Old Lady Sports.

The following article could be considered offensive to your gradmother, and for that I apologize.

If you know myself or my family at all, you know that the closest we come to athletic is Wii tennis (disclaimer: this is NOT an insult to you die hard “Wii tennis athletes” out there. Please continue to rock the cyber court). Anyway, my life pretty much consisted of dodging gym class and praying that no one would try to throw me a football.  After not having played ANY sports in high school I was itching at the chance to continue to not play sports in college. Yes, you have read that correctly. In my attempts to remain as non-athletic as possible and clutch on to my dignity as hard as I can, I realized something: the majority of the simple joys in my life are astonishingly similar to those of an elderly women (which makes for a great reason for boys not to date me). I like to call these activities “Old Lady Sports”.

You’re probably all wondering what activites are involved in Old Lady Sports.  Well, I can tell you this much-- it’s definitely not football, and definitelly not soccer, and most definitelly not lava ball (I just made that up, but it sounds fun). Old Lady Sports are exercises of the mind. 

I first realized I was an Old Lady Athlete when I found myself excited to see an info-mercial and the time I almost purchased an “as seen on TV” product. I  cannot tell a lie, I came pretty close that day.  The next sign that I was morphing into a Golden Girl was when I learned to knit-- which may or may not have happened three days ago. Lets just say, Im excited to finish this article so that I can start again... We’ll leave it at that.  I also have an obsession with hot tea, which is basically cat-nip for old ladies (I dont know what you’re picturing right now, but it scares me and I’m sorry).  Lastly, I knew I was a pre-mature Gramz when I was far too interested in the BINGO Night Flyer in Chick-Fil-A.  

I will forever own my label as an Old Lady Athlete, I will continue to exercise my mind with knitting and prey on TV bargains.  For these things I am not ashamed.  

xo
laurie

Three reasons I know unicorns are real.

The real question we all should be asking (disregarding the origins of life and how ramen noodles can be both cheap AND delicious) is whether or not unicorns are real.  The great news is that I’m here to tell you that they are.  Here are three bullet proof theories to prove that our magical friends are really out there:

ONE! They’re in the Bible.

Unicorns. Yes, Unicorns. I repeat, you are not hallucinating. My friends, they’re in the Bible. Not only does the good book mention my mystical spirit animal once– but they’re in there SEVEN times. (and seven is a lucky number, so im just gonna go ahead and assume that means good things for this theory– ya dig?) Need the proof? Read’em and weep, or jump up and down with pure joy, thats what I’ll be doing. 

 Numbers 23:22 (KJV)

“God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.”

Deuteronomy 33:17 (KJV)

“His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns…”

Job 39: 9 (KJV)

Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?

Psalm 29:6 (KJV)

He maketh them also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.

Psalm 22:21 (KJV)

Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Psalm 92:10 (KJV)

But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil.

Isaiah 34:7 (KJV)

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

Count’em, seven. I’m not making this stuff up!

TWO! They’re historical.

They are in SO many ancient legends and have shown up in writings and all kinds’a old stuff in a bunch of different cultures. I mean c’mon, you’re telling me that there are ancient discoveries in Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Greek, German, and Scottish cultures that all have Unicorns as a common denomenator and we still can’t admit that they’re real. 

All of your dreams are coming true.. I know. But I have one more point to make. 

THREE! Who the..?

My final statement is this: Who in their right mind would come up with the idea of a beautiful-majestic-magical-sparkling-white horse with a rainbow horn (and maybe wings.. wishful thinking.)? This insane picture could not have been created on purely human thought. Lets be honest, no human could dream up something as spectacular as a unicorn. No way. 

I dare you to deny their existence now. Ha! 

xo
laurie